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A little bit deeper than usual
May. 11th, 2008 06:35 pmI decided today that nothing is going to happen on Wednesday (the day I fly to France). Why? Simply because it is improbable and I refuse to live in my life in fear. Probably easier said than done but I just have to bring stuff with me that remind me of that. Even if something does happen and I die (or get injured), that's life. There's probably some purpose behind it and if I die, at least I know that I died trying to be the best person I can be. I guess the rest is just a matter of faith.
Speaking of faith, I know I don't generally speak of such serious things, or at least I haven't for a while, but... am I the only one envious of people with a religious conviction? I would love to have one but it's as though there's something in my system that's fighting against the part of me that wants to believe. I guess that's what happens when you have two parents who represent both sides of the religous scale - one being totally convinced and one not. I want to believe in something because imagine the comfort you can find in your religious belief. It's just that issue of truth I think that messes things up for me. Because there's really no definition of truth in these situations and therefore no guideline as to what to look for in order to see if it's true or not.
I want to believe and that's half the journey, right?
Also, my dad gave me 600 SEK to use in France and apparently my grandmother wants to give me 600 SEK from her and her brother (somehow it feels like I'm taking advantage of them since they're both on a pension and I want the money. It makes me feel greedy and as though I'm going to hell for being a bad person. I've always sort of thought that it's okay to want things but if they're offered to you, especially by people who don't have much, you should decline. And in a way, you should never tell anyone that you want something because if they then offer it to you, it feels like you're manipulating them and thereby being a bad person. But on the same time it's their choice... Oh well, I don't know. Accepting money from my grandmother and her brother makes me feel like a bad person).
Speaking of faith, I know I don't generally speak of such serious things, or at least I haven't for a while, but... am I the only one envious of people with a religious conviction? I would love to have one but it's as though there's something in my system that's fighting against the part of me that wants to believe. I guess that's what happens when you have two parents who represent both sides of the religous scale - one being totally convinced and one not. I want to believe in something because imagine the comfort you can find in your religious belief. It's just that issue of truth I think that messes things up for me. Because there's really no definition of truth in these situations and therefore no guideline as to what to look for in order to see if it's true or not.
I want to believe and that's half the journey, right?
Also, my dad gave me 600 SEK to use in France and apparently my grandmother wants to give me 600 SEK from her and her brother (somehow it feels like I'm taking advantage of them since they're both on a pension and I want the money. It makes me feel greedy and as though I'm going to hell for being a bad person. I've always sort of thought that it's okay to want things but if they're offered to you, especially by people who don't have much, you should decline. And in a way, you should never tell anyone that you want something because if they then offer it to you, it feels like you're manipulating them and thereby being a bad person. But on the same time it's their choice... Oh well, I don't know. Accepting money from my grandmother and her brother makes me feel like a bad person).
