"Everything That I Am" (Doctor/Rose) G
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
starsthatshineTitle: Everything That I Am
Pairing: Doctor/Rose
Rating: G
Summary: He's not going anywhere any more...
Word Count: 1779
Notes: I let the summary to be under a cut to not even hint what happened during the finale. So people who wish to remain unspoiled doesn't have to be spoiled about the episode.
This fan fic is the first I have written for the Doctor Who fandom in a while, but when I finished it, I felt like it was absolutely perfect. It was precisely what I wanted to say. Then I realized that I had written the thing in two tenses so I had to change, so if there are any grammar mistakes, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't think there are that many.
He can see her now. Watching the TARDIS dissolve before her. For an instant she regrets it, he can tell. For an instant she wants to be on that ship, travelling with him even though it's impossible. Even though the Doctor - the other Doctor - could never be what she needs. What she deserves. Truth be told, he wasn't even sure he was what she deserves. He's always envisioned her settling down with the best guy the universe had to offer. And that certainly wasn't him.
He takes a step forward and places a hand on her arm. It still feels so strange. He wonders if he should hug her, tell her that he loves her again. But old habits die hard. He can't quite bring himself to yet. He's still waiting for the universe to retaliate and rip her from his arms.
He can hear her crying but he isn't sure what he should say to make her feel better. The mere fact that they're standing here, together, is still hard to believe. Now he has a chance to be everything he can to be to her, but he has no idea how to start. No idea at all.
Eventually though, Rose turns around. The tears are fresh on her face and he can see the sadness glittering in her eyes. But there is also hope; a small part of her that dares to dream, that dares to imagine that this might actually be. That finally, they could work.
"I'm fine," Rose apologizes and tries to wave away her tears but the wind doesn't quite catch them, "Really, I'm fine. I just... didn't expect to feel this way."
The Doctor understands. She didn't expect this at all. She didn't expect to be back here, to be left behind but on the same time not. He was still here, even if it like what she'd pictured.
It's strange. Now even though he only has a few years left, only a handful compared to what he is used to, it feels like he has all the time in the world. It is actually kind of funny - a Time Lord that doesn't have any time. Lord of Time... Not really. He is as much its slave as anyone else.
"Rose..."
He looks at her and he wants to tell her what he's thinking. Wants to, but can't. The words choke in his mouth and they are never said. He has to work on that. Now he can work on it, if Rose is willing to help him. With her, he can always be better. With her, the many ways of which he still has to grow become so painfully evident that he isn't quite sure where to start.
That brave smile that is so Rose appears on her face. Oh, she is brilliant, she is. Always so brave.
"I told you, I'm fine," The latter word seems almost to falter but then she meets his eyes again and reaches out to take his hand. It's warm. "I have you, don't I?" The tears are glittering in her eyes again.
The Doctor nods softly. "You do. All of me." He places a hand on her cheek and strokes it softly. He wasn't sure if he was getting the hang of this, this explaining business. Was he doing it right? Did she understand? There were such a big uncertainty hanging in the air, such an energy of expectation, both from her and him, that seemed to almost choke them both.
The doubt dances in Rose's eyes as if to ask: Do I really? And that was a question not even the Doctor could answer. He wasn't even sure what it meant, but he does know one thing and that is that Rose Tyler is everything he cares about. He could let worlds crumble if it meant that she's safe. He promises to himself that he will try his hardest every day to be the best. Not because she deserves it, but because he wants to. All he's ever wanted for Rose Tyler was that she would have a fantastic life.
It is silent for a while. Neither of them are ready to speak yet but that doesn't matter. They don't have to say anything right away, because now they had all the time in the world. All of their lives. Together.
It is such a beautiful idea and suddenly the Doctor realizes, out of nowhere, that perhaps the best thing in the world is to stay. Now he doesn't have to run anywhere any more. He is right where he wants to be.
"Rose," he says finally, breaking the silence, "I... I want you to know something. And it's important."
Rose listens, with all her heart, and he can see the expectation, the faint disappointment in her eye and he can guess what she is thinking even if he doesn't know for sure. She expects him to disappear from her. That he is going to run again. But he isn't running any more. He is standing still.
"You're the most important thing in the world to me. The most important. I'm not your consolation prize. There is nothing I love more than you. I didn't leave you here because I didn't want to be with you. I left you here because I do. But me, the other me, can't be with you. I can't be everything you deserve, everything you need, as him."
He's never been this afraid before, never this vulnerable. With anyone. She has complete power over him and there is nothing he can do. His words are the only thing that he has, the only thing he has to help her understand, and he isn't even sure if that's enough.
And then Rose shakes her head. She leans towards the palm of his hand, which he still has on her cheek, and she cries. Her entire body trembles with tears as she continues to shake her head, weakly but surely.
"No." she says, her voice breaking. "No, no... That's not true. If you'd wanted to be with me," She looks up at him, "You wouldn't have left me."
The Doctor freezes, wide-eyed, almost in terror. Does she really think....? What had he let her believe?
"You wouldn't have left me," she repeats, her voice growing in force, "if you really mean it. You're just making excuses. If you really had loved me, you wouldn't have left. If I was ever a bit as important to you as you say, you would've stay. Because nothing else - none of it - would matter."
He looks at her, sweetly, tenderly. His Rose. Oh sweet, darling Rose. How ever could she get it so wrong?
"No," he replies softly, "There's you." He strokes her cheek softly with his thumb and searches for her eyes and when he finds them, he stops. Staring lovingly into those dark pools he's missed so much. "And you're ever a bit as important. Nothing is more important than you.”
She almost believes him.
"I don't want to be anywhere else but with you," he says finally.
For a moment, Rose is silent. She wraps both of her hands around the one that was stroking her cheek, as if to draw strength, and looks at him. The tears stream down her face and stains his sleeve.
"Then why did you leave?"
"Don't you see?" The Doctor almost whispers, "I could never have given you everything, all I've got, because in the back of my mind, I'd always know that it could never last. I would live on, for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years after you and not only would I have lost you, but I would also know that I had never said everything I wanted because I would always be one foot out of the door. And that's not because I don't love you, but because I would perish if I didn't."
Opening his heart like this, explaining his feelings and action in such detail, was difficult. Because it meant not only that he had to think about his feelings or only feel them, he had to name them and explain them, and he isn't sure he if he is ready for that. But somehow he manages to, because somewhere within the last thirty seconds he's truly realized that he could be everything he wants to be and he isn't going to let her walk away just because he never dared to open his mouth and say what he always meant to say. Now that he has all the time in the world, it also means that he has none to waste. He is going to make every second with Rose the best of his life.
"He gave you the best gift he could. Himself, even if it meant that he had to let you go. Rose, know this under no uncertain terms: I am the Doctor and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want to ever leave you again and I want to give you everything to make you happy. I'm still me. I want to tell you everything I'm thinking, I want to take you in my arms and give the entire world. I want to have children with you and grow old with you and when we're sitting there... Two old raisins, I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you that I love you. I don't want to give you a piece of me. I want to share everything I am with you. If you'll let me."
He stares at her. She's stopped crying. She's looking at him. Her eyes... what are they saying? Is she happy? Horrified? Surprised? Is she calm? Sad? Disappointed?
Before he had a chance to react, Rose crashes against him and wraps her arms around him, resting her face against his shoulder. The force of her reaction takes him aback, but as she hugs him the Doctor can feel all the anxiety and fear wash away and be replaced by utter joy. He can't place this feeling but he knows was that now, he can conquer the world. He is unstoppable, all-powerful. Right now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the world. There's nothing he'd like to change. Sure, they are flawed, the two of them, and they have both learned to move on a long time ago and now they have to learn how to adjust and live together again. For real this time. It's not going to be easy, but he knows that no matter what, this is perfect.
He is exactly where he wants to be. And he isn't going anywhere.
THE END.
End note: I have a feeling I could write thousands of half-human!Doctor/Rose in the alternative universe fics (and I can't wait until I can start using icons without fearing spoiling anyone). Even though the ending for them wasn't perfect (let's face it, no matter how it ended, it could never be a perfect ending), I think that's exactly why I like the idea of writing them. I hope I wrote this in character and true to their story. I didn't want to make everything shiningly perfect because they aren't perfect and I think there's a lot of issues on both sides that needs to be dealt with and yeah...
Anyway, I would love it if you could drop a line of feedback to me so I know what you think. I was a bit uncomfortable changing certain parts of the fic to this tense but I saw no other way. Thank you so much.
Pairing: Doctor/Rose
Rating: G
Summary: He's not going anywhere any more...
Word Count: 1779
Notes: I let the summary to be under a cut to not even hint what happened during the finale. So people who wish to remain unspoiled doesn't have to be spoiled about the episode.
This fan fic is the first I have written for the Doctor Who fandom in a while, but when I finished it, I felt like it was absolutely perfect. It was precisely what I wanted to say. Then I realized that I had written the thing in two tenses so I had to change, so if there are any grammar mistakes, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't think there are that many.
He can see her now. Watching the TARDIS dissolve before her. For an instant she regrets it, he can tell. For an instant she wants to be on that ship, travelling with him even though it's impossible. Even though the Doctor - the other Doctor - could never be what she needs. What she deserves. Truth be told, he wasn't even sure he was what she deserves. He's always envisioned her settling down with the best guy the universe had to offer. And that certainly wasn't him.
He takes a step forward and places a hand on her arm. It still feels so strange. He wonders if he should hug her, tell her that he loves her again. But old habits die hard. He can't quite bring himself to yet. He's still waiting for the universe to retaliate and rip her from his arms.
He can hear her crying but he isn't sure what he should say to make her feel better. The mere fact that they're standing here, together, is still hard to believe. Now he has a chance to be everything he can to be to her, but he has no idea how to start. No idea at all.
Eventually though, Rose turns around. The tears are fresh on her face and he can see the sadness glittering in her eyes. But there is also hope; a small part of her that dares to dream, that dares to imagine that this might actually be. That finally, they could work.
"I'm fine," Rose apologizes and tries to wave away her tears but the wind doesn't quite catch them, "Really, I'm fine. I just... didn't expect to feel this way."
The Doctor understands. She didn't expect this at all. She didn't expect to be back here, to be left behind but on the same time not. He was still here, even if it like what she'd pictured.
It's strange. Now even though he only has a few years left, only a handful compared to what he is used to, it feels like he has all the time in the world. It is actually kind of funny - a Time Lord that doesn't have any time. Lord of Time... Not really. He is as much its slave as anyone else.
"Rose..."
He looks at her and he wants to tell her what he's thinking. Wants to, but can't. The words choke in his mouth and they are never said. He has to work on that. Now he can work on it, if Rose is willing to help him. With her, he can always be better. With her, the many ways of which he still has to grow become so painfully evident that he isn't quite sure where to start.
That brave smile that is so Rose appears on her face. Oh, she is brilliant, she is. Always so brave.
"I told you, I'm fine," The latter word seems almost to falter but then she meets his eyes again and reaches out to take his hand. It's warm. "I have you, don't I?" The tears are glittering in her eyes again.
The Doctor nods softly. "You do. All of me." He places a hand on her cheek and strokes it softly. He wasn't sure if he was getting the hang of this, this explaining business. Was he doing it right? Did she understand? There were such a big uncertainty hanging in the air, such an energy of expectation, both from her and him, that seemed to almost choke them both.
The doubt dances in Rose's eyes as if to ask: Do I really? And that was a question not even the Doctor could answer. He wasn't even sure what it meant, but he does know one thing and that is that Rose Tyler is everything he cares about. He could let worlds crumble if it meant that she's safe. He promises to himself that he will try his hardest every day to be the best. Not because she deserves it, but because he wants to. All he's ever wanted for Rose Tyler was that she would have a fantastic life.
It is silent for a while. Neither of them are ready to speak yet but that doesn't matter. They don't have to say anything right away, because now they had all the time in the world. All of their lives. Together.
It is such a beautiful idea and suddenly the Doctor realizes, out of nowhere, that perhaps the best thing in the world is to stay. Now he doesn't have to run anywhere any more. He is right where he wants to be.
"Rose," he says finally, breaking the silence, "I... I want you to know something. And it's important."
Rose listens, with all her heart, and he can see the expectation, the faint disappointment in her eye and he can guess what she is thinking even if he doesn't know for sure. She expects him to disappear from her. That he is going to run again. But he isn't running any more. He is standing still.
"You're the most important thing in the world to me. The most important. I'm not your consolation prize. There is nothing I love more than you. I didn't leave you here because I didn't want to be with you. I left you here because I do. But me, the other me, can't be with you. I can't be everything you deserve, everything you need, as him."
He's never been this afraid before, never this vulnerable. With anyone. She has complete power over him and there is nothing he can do. His words are the only thing that he has, the only thing he has to help her understand, and he isn't even sure if that's enough.
And then Rose shakes her head. She leans towards the palm of his hand, which he still has on her cheek, and she cries. Her entire body trembles with tears as she continues to shake her head, weakly but surely.
"No." she says, her voice breaking. "No, no... That's not true. If you'd wanted to be with me," She looks up at him, "You wouldn't have left me."
The Doctor freezes, wide-eyed, almost in terror. Does she really think....? What had he let her believe?
"You wouldn't have left me," she repeats, her voice growing in force, "if you really mean it. You're just making excuses. If you really had loved me, you wouldn't have left. If I was ever a bit as important to you as you say, you would've stay. Because nothing else - none of it - would matter."
He looks at her, sweetly, tenderly. His Rose. Oh sweet, darling Rose. How ever could she get it so wrong?
"No," he replies softly, "There's you." He strokes her cheek softly with his thumb and searches for her eyes and when he finds them, he stops. Staring lovingly into those dark pools he's missed so much. "And you're ever a bit as important. Nothing is more important than you.”
She almost believes him.
"I don't want to be anywhere else but with you," he says finally.
For a moment, Rose is silent. She wraps both of her hands around the one that was stroking her cheek, as if to draw strength, and looks at him. The tears stream down her face and stains his sleeve.
"Then why did you leave?"
"Don't you see?" The Doctor almost whispers, "I could never have given you everything, all I've got, because in the back of my mind, I'd always know that it could never last. I would live on, for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years after you and not only would I have lost you, but I would also know that I had never said everything I wanted because I would always be one foot out of the door. And that's not because I don't love you, but because I would perish if I didn't."
Opening his heart like this, explaining his feelings and action in such detail, was difficult. Because it meant not only that he had to think about his feelings or only feel them, he had to name them and explain them, and he isn't sure he if he is ready for that. But somehow he manages to, because somewhere within the last thirty seconds he's truly realized that he could be everything he wants to be and he isn't going to let her walk away just because he never dared to open his mouth and say what he always meant to say. Now that he has all the time in the world, it also means that he has none to waste. He is going to make every second with Rose the best of his life.
"He gave you the best gift he could. Himself, even if it meant that he had to let you go. Rose, know this under no uncertain terms: I am the Doctor and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want to ever leave you again and I want to give you everything to make you happy. I'm still me. I want to tell you everything I'm thinking, I want to take you in my arms and give the entire world. I want to have children with you and grow old with you and when we're sitting there... Two old raisins, I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you that I love you. I don't want to give you a piece of me. I want to share everything I am with you. If you'll let me."
He stares at her. She's stopped crying. She's looking at him. Her eyes... what are they saying? Is she happy? Horrified? Surprised? Is she calm? Sad? Disappointed?
Before he had a chance to react, Rose crashes against him and wraps her arms around him, resting her face against his shoulder. The force of her reaction takes him aback, but as she hugs him the Doctor can feel all the anxiety and fear wash away and be replaced by utter joy. He can't place this feeling but he knows was that now, he can conquer the world. He is unstoppable, all-powerful. Right now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the world. There's nothing he'd like to change. Sure, they are flawed, the two of them, and they have both learned to move on a long time ago and now they have to learn how to adjust and live together again. For real this time. It's not going to be easy, but he knows that no matter what, this is perfect.
He is exactly where he wants to be. And he isn't going anywhere.
THE END.
End note: I have a feeling I could write thousands of half-human!Doctor/Rose in the alternative universe fics (and I can't wait until I can start using icons without fearing spoiling anyone). Even though the ending for them wasn't perfect (let's face it, no matter how it ended, it could never be a perfect ending), I think that's exactly why I like the idea of writing them. I hope I wrote this in character and true to their story. I didn't want to make everything shiningly perfect because they aren't perfect and I think there's a lot of issues on both sides that needs to be dealt with and yeah...
Anyway, I would love it if you could drop a line of feedback to me so I know what you think. I was a bit uncomfortable changing certain parts of the fic to this tense but I saw no other way. Thank you so much.
