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starsthatshineTitle: Things Unsaid
Rating: PG
Pairing: Gen. Nathan/Peter if you squint.
Summary: Pre-show. Nathan and Peter aren't really talking and many things are unsaid.
Author's Note: Darn, just as I was about to post this I got an idea for another fic. *writes it down* I will write that one too, later on. But right now it's this one. I got the inspiration as I was glancing through the Petrelli scenes in 'Genesis'. Pre-show. Enjoy :D There's not incest in it if you don't want there to be ;)
The first time Peter heard that Nathan was running for Congress was on the news. He'd just come back after another couple of hours with a dying woman, who had nothing in life besides a large estate and a very caring employee. The story had affected Peter a bit more than he'd like. It was overall upsetting to see someone alone like that, with no one who'd notice if you lived or died.
He'd put his bag on a chair and turned on the television, mostly just as background noise but as he heard his brother's name mentioned, he peaked his ears and listened to the rest of the news coverage.
"...going to run for Congress earlier today..."
Then he heard his brother's deep, serious voice on the television, talking to whoever was behind the camera and Peter was suddenly aware of this great big hole inside his heart.
He had barely seen or spoken to Nathan since their father's funeral, and now seeing him on the news made it extremely obvious how much he actually missed his brother. Work had kept him busy so he hadn't had time to think about it. It was surprising how many people were dying and needed care.
Peter glanced over the phone and considered to call, but his mind spoke against it. Last time they'd got together they'd had a huge fight. Nathan had been upset about something concerning Heidi and Peter'd grown angry over the fact that Nathan wouldn't tell him what the fight was about.
It felt like he was sharing his entire life with Nathan, letting him know everything that was going on in it and if he needed support he asked for his advice. But Nathan could never return the favour. With Nathan, everything was a one-man's game. Nathan couldn't admit to weakness because he wanted to be strong, make something of himself and to please everyone, Peter knew that better than anyone. He'd been like that himself.
The only difference was that Nathan never stopped trying. Somewhere in the middle of his teens, Peter had stopped trying to fix everything, to please everyone and settled at being Nathan Petrelli's little brother.
It wasn't such a bad gig and he was quite confident that he was happier being himself than Nathan was being himself. Being extraordinary would've been great, but he wasn't, so he just had to settle and try to make the most of it.
Peter took a deep breath. He wanted to call Nathan, he really did, but he couldn't be the loyal but stupid dog that came running back no matter what. He needed to make a stand somehow. He was well aware that he couldn't share his life with Nathan anymore, but he couldn't exclude him from it either.
They were brothers and were bound by nature to get along.
His eyes lingered on the black phone that for some reason had never looked more terrifying before walking away from it, ignoring it completely.
If Nathan wanted anything, he knew his number.
/////
For the next couple of days, Peter took care of that sickly lady until she passed away a week later. Peter had been upset to see her go, in a cold room all alone with no family to speak of. For a moment, he had pretended that he was her family and he'd tried to make it as pleasant and comfortable for her as he could in her last hours.
He was careful to watch the morphine though. The last thing he needed was for someone to accuse him of OD:ing an old woman. Sometimes the world was just that sick.
Later that day when he walked home, his heart felt heavy as if it had just gained several pounds. He couldn't quite get the image of the dead lady - Rose Hawkins - out of his head. He had connected with her, or at least so Peter thought. He could see pieces of himself in Rose and her fate.
He was just about to turn left when he noticed a café in the corner and for whatever reason, he turned towards it and walked inside. Well inside he sat down by a table and glanced at the menu.
At the moment, he could barely afford anything on the menu since he didn't exactly carry much money with him on his way to work, but later decided to order at least a cup of coffee. He'd been up almost twenty hours now.
As the hot, steaming black substance reached his lips, Peter took a sip and noticed the television over the counter (how people couldn’t survive without them was beyond Peter - they were everywhere these days) and once again Nathan's picture popped up. Peter sighed and looked down at his coffee. It was almost as if fate was mocking him, telling him to cave again and walk right back into Nathan's life again as if their previous argument hadn't been important.
"Anything else, darling?" The waitress said, giving him a polite smile.
"No, thanks. I'm fine." Peter waved her away, wanting to be alone with his thoughts.
It had never been easy, having Nathan for a brother. He had always been perfect at everything. Perhaps not straight A's but every one of his teachers praised him and he never did anything wrong. Nathan seemed almost close to being a saint as far as his work was related. Personally was a whole other story.
Over the years, Nathan had stayed warm but he had also become cynical, suspicious and introverted.
Some said he grew up while others said that he had grown angry. Peter wanted to know what was making him angry, but Nathan always closed up whenever they were talking about it and Peter lacked the authority to ask him to open up.
They were brothers, but as you grew older the meaning of it reduced to nothing more than a word. Nothing more than a warm welcome at a dinner party and perhaps a few get-togethers outside of family holidays.
Nathan was always there for Peter when it mattered. When he really needed him there, Nathan always tried to be there if he could. But Peter didn't want Nathan to be there when he was up over his head with trouble; he wanted him around more than that.
He wanted to be able to have a relaxed conversation with his brother over a cup of coffee even though he wasn't in something bad. He wanted Nathan to be his friend, not just his brother.
Because brother implied some sort of responsibility and Nathan had enough of that to go around. Friend implied some sort of free will.
Suddenly he felt his cell phone vibrate and Peter got it out of his pocket. For a moment he was actually thinking it was Nathan, but it was his mother again. She probably needed him to bail her out again.
He opened the phone.
"Hello?"
And right he was. "It's your mother. I'm in a little... bit of a situation."
Peter suppressed a sigh. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll be right over. Where are you?"
///
"There you are!" His mom lighted up like sunshine when she spotted him, Peter noted, as if she was trying to cover up just how lonely she really was. She reached out her arms and wanted a hug.
"Hi mom," he mumbled into his shoulder and then he couldn't help but glance at the security officer, who was grimly glancing at his mother.
He let go of his mother's hug and turned to him. "Will there be any charges?" he asked, hoping for his mother's sake that the answer would be no. Nathan was probably stressed out because of the election and the last thing he needed was a rebellious mother.
Thankfully, the officer shook his head.
"No, but just make sure your mother stays out of trouble."
"Thank you." Peter put his hand on his mother back, sending a thankful glance at the grim officer before making sure that his mother walked out of the exit.
Just as he was about to walk back to his flat, his mother's hands gripped his arm and kept him from going. Puzzled, Peter looked at his mother, who smiled knowingly.
"I haven't seen you for ages and now you run off again. Can't a mother see her son once in a while?" She put her hands maternally as if she would rearrange his clothes at any moment. "I know, why don't you come for dinner? I feel like I hardly know you these days."
Then there was a pause and Angela Petrelli looked up at her son with the same knowing look. "Nathan's going to be there."
Peter shrugged out of his mother's arms and sighed. What was it with the universe wanting him to make up with his brother? Seriously, didn't the universe have something more important to take care of? Like, wars, HIV or something?
"I don't know, mom. Nathan's got the election and all that. I'll just be in the way."
Angela snorted. "Nonsense. I know he misses you. He doesn't say so, but I know he does. Now, come on, let's go home."
Without waiting for a reply, Angela took her son's hand and dragged him with her as she was leaving the building. A part of Peter really wanted to see Nathan and another one just really wanted to run away.
////
The dinner was surprisingly... casual. The last family dinner hadn't really been a family dinner in a traditional sense. It'd been a social function that he had to attend for some reason.
Now, they were all sitting around the dinner table, Nathan's kids playing in the other room, staring at each other. Everyone were dressed casually, or at least as casual as it could be. They weren't exactly wearing T-shirts, but for the Petrellis family dinners always seemed to be such a big deal. Almost like a social function in itself.
"So," Angela asked Heidi, breaking the uncomfortable silence, "How are the kids? They look well."
Heidi smiled at her mother-in-law and nodded. "Yes, they are very well. They were all really excited about coming here," she made a small smile, "But I mostly think it's because of the presents you give them."
Angela laughed warmly and took a piece of the veal. "Yes, well what is a grandmother to do? I love spoiling my grandchildren. One of the finer parts of life, I assure you."
Nathan adjusted himself in his seat, clearing his throat uncomfortably, adjusting his tie as if it was on too tight. Peter's eyes flickered at the tense expression in Nathan's eyes and his curiosity was once again sparkled. He didn't look like a man who was having a glorious carrier and was about to be elected into Congress. He looked like a man who had gone through one too many hardships and had done too many awkward choices.
Nathan didn't look happy.
"Nathan," Peter spit out before he could stop himself, "I heard on the news that you were er, running for Congress. How's that going?"
He immediately avoided Nathan's gaze and gave his full concentration on the veal.
"It's going fine," Nathan commented sternly, sending a glance at Peter before returning to his own plate.
Peter could feel Heidi glancing at the both of them, one at the time. He was also pretty sure that his mother was watching them too, even though she pretended not to. He blushed slightly and continued to stare at his food.
"You haven't told Peter?" Heidi asked, not sounding surprised, which baffled Peter slightly, and more like she was angry.
Nathan looked as if he was a deer caught in red lights and ashamed of it as he gave his wife a fleeting look. "Couldn’t find the time."
Peter was rather certain he heard something that sounded like 'bullshit' come out of Heidi's mouth just before she took another bite of her food.
Nathan acted as though he hadn't heard her.
After the family dinner, Heidi and Angela went outside to the garden because Angela had a sudden urge to show her daughter-in-law her new flowerbeds and Heidi had been so quick to agree, even though she hated gardens, that Peter expected that the two women had planned the entire thing beforehand.
With them gone and the children playing tag all around the house, it left Nathan and Peter in the same room for the first time in months. Nathan seemed as if he was trying his best to ignore something as he sat down in his father's old chair behind the desk, as he always did when he didn't want to talk to anybody.
Peter let his eyes linger to see if Nathan would despite himself start speaking but his older brother remained characteristically silent. Peter moved over to his father's old bookshelves and glanced at the books in it. Some were classics and some he had never heard of. One that especially stood out was a book called 'Activating Evolution' which seemed completely displaced amongst the editions of Odysseys, Hamlet and other classic books but he didn't think about it, merely frowned and then turned his attention back to Nathan.
Their eyes met and for a moment, they said nothing. Nathan was absentmindedly fiddling with a pen while he was busy not saying anything.
"You could've called you know," Peter said, feeling that something needed to be said since the whole not speaking thing was growing ridiculous. Nathan looked away.
"I couldn't."
Peter wanted him to elaborate but he never did. He couldn't ask either because that would drive Nathan up the wall. He was always best when he wasn't being questioned. Especially by his little brother.
"I wanted to," Nathan said, pronouncing it as if revealing this little secret caused his physical pain, and then his eyes connected with Peter's again and Peter realized that no matter what Nathan did, he couldn't stay mad at him. He could forgive Nathan for killing hundreds of people just as long they were in the same room.
"Why didn't you? It'd take a couple of minutes. Tops." Peter moved to Nathan's side by the desk, almost sitting on it as he fixed his gaze on Nathan's face.
Nathan looked away and started to fiddle again, his expression changing as if he was contemplating something.
"Things've changed, Pete. I can't explain it, but they have. And... I just couldn't talk to you about it because then I'd have to explain myself and..." he stopped fiddling as if he'd been frozen in thought, "I didn't want to."
Something in the pit of Peter's stomach began to rumble as a cold sensation crawled up his spine as he thought that Nathan might actually be in trouble.
"What's wrong? Nathan, are you okay?"
There was nothing but silence.
"I don't know," Nathan said finally, sounding resigned.
Then he snapped out of his and put on his brave face. "Well, it's nothing you need to worry about anyway," he told him and got out of the chair and patted Peter on the shoulder.
What Nathan didn't know was that he wore the exact same expression as the day when he'd wrecked their dad's car into a million pieces and been grounded for three months.
"You can tell me," Peter said eagerly, wanting to help his brother in any way he could. He couldn't stand the idea of Nathan going through something on his own.
He placed a gentle hand on Nathan's shoulder and Nathan's eyes flickered to it as though it'd burned him and then up at Peter's eyes. They were expressionless, empty.
///
How could he possibly explain? Peter wouldn't understand. On a good day, Peter would probably mistake his worries for something along the lines of a joke but... Actually, thinking about it, it would be worse if Peter did understand. People weren't supposed to understand something like this.
How could he...? How could he explain...?
How could he explain that he thought he could fly?
FIN.
What do you think? Constructive criticism is very much welcome.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Gen. Nathan/Peter if you squint.
Summary: Pre-show. Nathan and Peter aren't really talking and many things are unsaid.
Author's Note: Darn, just as I was about to post this I got an idea for another fic. *writes it down* I will write that one too, later on. But right now it's this one. I got the inspiration as I was glancing through the Petrelli scenes in 'Genesis'. Pre-show. Enjoy :D There's not incest in it if you don't want there to be ;)
The first time Peter heard that Nathan was running for Congress was on the news. He'd just come back after another couple of hours with a dying woman, who had nothing in life besides a large estate and a very caring employee. The story had affected Peter a bit more than he'd like. It was overall upsetting to see someone alone like that, with no one who'd notice if you lived or died.
He'd put his bag on a chair and turned on the television, mostly just as background noise but as he heard his brother's name mentioned, he peaked his ears and listened to the rest of the news coverage.
"...going to run for Congress earlier today..."
Then he heard his brother's deep, serious voice on the television, talking to whoever was behind the camera and Peter was suddenly aware of this great big hole inside his heart.
He had barely seen or spoken to Nathan since their father's funeral, and now seeing him on the news made it extremely obvious how much he actually missed his brother. Work had kept him busy so he hadn't had time to think about it. It was surprising how many people were dying and needed care.
Peter glanced over the phone and considered to call, but his mind spoke against it. Last time they'd got together they'd had a huge fight. Nathan had been upset about something concerning Heidi and Peter'd grown angry over the fact that Nathan wouldn't tell him what the fight was about.
It felt like he was sharing his entire life with Nathan, letting him know everything that was going on in it and if he needed support he asked for his advice. But Nathan could never return the favour. With Nathan, everything was a one-man's game. Nathan couldn't admit to weakness because he wanted to be strong, make something of himself and to please everyone, Peter knew that better than anyone. He'd been like that himself.
The only difference was that Nathan never stopped trying. Somewhere in the middle of his teens, Peter had stopped trying to fix everything, to please everyone and settled at being Nathan Petrelli's little brother.
It wasn't such a bad gig and he was quite confident that he was happier being himself than Nathan was being himself. Being extraordinary would've been great, but he wasn't, so he just had to settle and try to make the most of it.
Peter took a deep breath. He wanted to call Nathan, he really did, but he couldn't be the loyal but stupid dog that came running back no matter what. He needed to make a stand somehow. He was well aware that he couldn't share his life with Nathan anymore, but he couldn't exclude him from it either.
They were brothers and were bound by nature to get along.
His eyes lingered on the black phone that for some reason had never looked more terrifying before walking away from it, ignoring it completely.
If Nathan wanted anything, he knew his number.
/////
For the next couple of days, Peter took care of that sickly lady until she passed away a week later. Peter had been upset to see her go, in a cold room all alone with no family to speak of. For a moment, he had pretended that he was her family and he'd tried to make it as pleasant and comfortable for her as he could in her last hours.
He was careful to watch the morphine though. The last thing he needed was for someone to accuse him of OD:ing an old woman. Sometimes the world was just that sick.
Later that day when he walked home, his heart felt heavy as if it had just gained several pounds. He couldn't quite get the image of the dead lady - Rose Hawkins - out of his head. He had connected with her, or at least so Peter thought. He could see pieces of himself in Rose and her fate.
He was just about to turn left when he noticed a café in the corner and for whatever reason, he turned towards it and walked inside. Well inside he sat down by a table and glanced at the menu.
At the moment, he could barely afford anything on the menu since he didn't exactly carry much money with him on his way to work, but later decided to order at least a cup of coffee. He'd been up almost twenty hours now.
As the hot, steaming black substance reached his lips, Peter took a sip and noticed the television over the counter (how people couldn’t survive without them was beyond Peter - they were everywhere these days) and once again Nathan's picture popped up. Peter sighed and looked down at his coffee. It was almost as if fate was mocking him, telling him to cave again and walk right back into Nathan's life again as if their previous argument hadn't been important.
"Anything else, darling?" The waitress said, giving him a polite smile.
"No, thanks. I'm fine." Peter waved her away, wanting to be alone with his thoughts.
It had never been easy, having Nathan for a brother. He had always been perfect at everything. Perhaps not straight A's but every one of his teachers praised him and he never did anything wrong. Nathan seemed almost close to being a saint as far as his work was related. Personally was a whole other story.
Over the years, Nathan had stayed warm but he had also become cynical, suspicious and introverted.
Some said he grew up while others said that he had grown angry. Peter wanted to know what was making him angry, but Nathan always closed up whenever they were talking about it and Peter lacked the authority to ask him to open up.
They were brothers, but as you grew older the meaning of it reduced to nothing more than a word. Nothing more than a warm welcome at a dinner party and perhaps a few get-togethers outside of family holidays.
Nathan was always there for Peter when it mattered. When he really needed him there, Nathan always tried to be there if he could. But Peter didn't want Nathan to be there when he was up over his head with trouble; he wanted him around more than that.
He wanted to be able to have a relaxed conversation with his brother over a cup of coffee even though he wasn't in something bad. He wanted Nathan to be his friend, not just his brother.
Because brother implied some sort of responsibility and Nathan had enough of that to go around. Friend implied some sort of free will.
Suddenly he felt his cell phone vibrate and Peter got it out of his pocket. For a moment he was actually thinking it was Nathan, but it was his mother again. She probably needed him to bail her out again.
He opened the phone.
"Hello?"
And right he was. "It's your mother. I'm in a little... bit of a situation."
Peter suppressed a sigh. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll be right over. Where are you?"
///
"There you are!" His mom lighted up like sunshine when she spotted him, Peter noted, as if she was trying to cover up just how lonely she really was. She reached out her arms and wanted a hug.
"Hi mom," he mumbled into his shoulder and then he couldn't help but glance at the security officer, who was grimly glancing at his mother.
He let go of his mother's hug and turned to him. "Will there be any charges?" he asked, hoping for his mother's sake that the answer would be no. Nathan was probably stressed out because of the election and the last thing he needed was a rebellious mother.
Thankfully, the officer shook his head.
"No, but just make sure your mother stays out of trouble."
"Thank you." Peter put his hand on his mother back, sending a thankful glance at the grim officer before making sure that his mother walked out of the exit.
Just as he was about to walk back to his flat, his mother's hands gripped his arm and kept him from going. Puzzled, Peter looked at his mother, who smiled knowingly.
"I haven't seen you for ages and now you run off again. Can't a mother see her son once in a while?" She put her hands maternally as if she would rearrange his clothes at any moment. "I know, why don't you come for dinner? I feel like I hardly know you these days."
Then there was a pause and Angela Petrelli looked up at her son with the same knowing look. "Nathan's going to be there."
Peter shrugged out of his mother's arms and sighed. What was it with the universe wanting him to make up with his brother? Seriously, didn't the universe have something more important to take care of? Like, wars, HIV or something?
"I don't know, mom. Nathan's got the election and all that. I'll just be in the way."
Angela snorted. "Nonsense. I know he misses you. He doesn't say so, but I know he does. Now, come on, let's go home."
Without waiting for a reply, Angela took her son's hand and dragged him with her as she was leaving the building. A part of Peter really wanted to see Nathan and another one just really wanted to run away.
////
The dinner was surprisingly... casual. The last family dinner hadn't really been a family dinner in a traditional sense. It'd been a social function that he had to attend for some reason.
Now, they were all sitting around the dinner table, Nathan's kids playing in the other room, staring at each other. Everyone were dressed casually, or at least as casual as it could be. They weren't exactly wearing T-shirts, but for the Petrellis family dinners always seemed to be such a big deal. Almost like a social function in itself.
"So," Angela asked Heidi, breaking the uncomfortable silence, "How are the kids? They look well."
Heidi smiled at her mother-in-law and nodded. "Yes, they are very well. They were all really excited about coming here," she made a small smile, "But I mostly think it's because of the presents you give them."
Angela laughed warmly and took a piece of the veal. "Yes, well what is a grandmother to do? I love spoiling my grandchildren. One of the finer parts of life, I assure you."
Nathan adjusted himself in his seat, clearing his throat uncomfortably, adjusting his tie as if it was on too tight. Peter's eyes flickered at the tense expression in Nathan's eyes and his curiosity was once again sparkled. He didn't look like a man who was having a glorious carrier and was about to be elected into Congress. He looked like a man who had gone through one too many hardships and had done too many awkward choices.
Nathan didn't look happy.
"Nathan," Peter spit out before he could stop himself, "I heard on the news that you were er, running for Congress. How's that going?"
He immediately avoided Nathan's gaze and gave his full concentration on the veal.
"It's going fine," Nathan commented sternly, sending a glance at Peter before returning to his own plate.
Peter could feel Heidi glancing at the both of them, one at the time. He was also pretty sure that his mother was watching them too, even though she pretended not to. He blushed slightly and continued to stare at his food.
"You haven't told Peter?" Heidi asked, not sounding surprised, which baffled Peter slightly, and more like she was angry.
Nathan looked as if he was a deer caught in red lights and ashamed of it as he gave his wife a fleeting look. "Couldn’t find the time."
Peter was rather certain he heard something that sounded like 'bullshit' come out of Heidi's mouth just before she took another bite of her food.
Nathan acted as though he hadn't heard her.
After the family dinner, Heidi and Angela went outside to the garden because Angela had a sudden urge to show her daughter-in-law her new flowerbeds and Heidi had been so quick to agree, even though she hated gardens, that Peter expected that the two women had planned the entire thing beforehand.
With them gone and the children playing tag all around the house, it left Nathan and Peter in the same room for the first time in months. Nathan seemed as if he was trying his best to ignore something as he sat down in his father's old chair behind the desk, as he always did when he didn't want to talk to anybody.
Peter let his eyes linger to see if Nathan would despite himself start speaking but his older brother remained characteristically silent. Peter moved over to his father's old bookshelves and glanced at the books in it. Some were classics and some he had never heard of. One that especially stood out was a book called 'Activating Evolution' which seemed completely displaced amongst the editions of Odysseys, Hamlet and other classic books but he didn't think about it, merely frowned and then turned his attention back to Nathan.
Their eyes met and for a moment, they said nothing. Nathan was absentmindedly fiddling with a pen while he was busy not saying anything.
"You could've called you know," Peter said, feeling that something needed to be said since the whole not speaking thing was growing ridiculous. Nathan looked away.
"I couldn't."
Peter wanted him to elaborate but he never did. He couldn't ask either because that would drive Nathan up the wall. He was always best when he wasn't being questioned. Especially by his little brother.
"I wanted to," Nathan said, pronouncing it as if revealing this little secret caused his physical pain, and then his eyes connected with Peter's again and Peter realized that no matter what Nathan did, he couldn't stay mad at him. He could forgive Nathan for killing hundreds of people just as long they were in the same room.
"Why didn't you? It'd take a couple of minutes. Tops." Peter moved to Nathan's side by the desk, almost sitting on it as he fixed his gaze on Nathan's face.
Nathan looked away and started to fiddle again, his expression changing as if he was contemplating something.
"Things've changed, Pete. I can't explain it, but they have. And... I just couldn't talk to you about it because then I'd have to explain myself and..." he stopped fiddling as if he'd been frozen in thought, "I didn't want to."
Something in the pit of Peter's stomach began to rumble as a cold sensation crawled up his spine as he thought that Nathan might actually be in trouble.
"What's wrong? Nathan, are you okay?"
There was nothing but silence.
"I don't know," Nathan said finally, sounding resigned.
Then he snapped out of his and put on his brave face. "Well, it's nothing you need to worry about anyway," he told him and got out of the chair and patted Peter on the shoulder.
What Nathan didn't know was that he wore the exact same expression as the day when he'd wrecked their dad's car into a million pieces and been grounded for three months.
"You can tell me," Peter said eagerly, wanting to help his brother in any way he could. He couldn't stand the idea of Nathan going through something on his own.
He placed a gentle hand on Nathan's shoulder and Nathan's eyes flickered to it as though it'd burned him and then up at Peter's eyes. They were expressionless, empty.
///
How could he possibly explain? Peter wouldn't understand. On a good day, Peter would probably mistake his worries for something along the lines of a joke but... Actually, thinking about it, it would be worse if Peter did understand. People weren't supposed to understand something like this.
How could he...? How could he explain...?
How could he explain that he thought he could fly?
FIN.
What do you think? Constructive criticism is very much welcome.
