Thoughts on life and happiness, mainly

Happy birthday sparkle_fever and Hayden Panetierre, I hope you have good ones. Welcome happy_endings11

Kristen Bell's new gig? Totally makes me happy.

Sorry that I haven't been as active as I should. But I'm having/had a bad day today. I only slept for 2 hours and I feel generally crap, but it's getting better. And Internet has been messing with me but now it's working again so it's all good. I haven't been flisting at all really and it makes me feel a bit guilty. I know a lot of people say this but I try to read but I'm at a point in my life where I'm a horrible commenter. I like reading about your lives and all, but I just feel like I have nothing to say. It may be a bit of a one-sided attempt to sort of keep in touch, but I'm trying. I'm a creative dead-zone right now.

Creatively, I have nothing really going on than the want to write a ghost story on old fashioned paper. And watch Poirot. And occasionally Midsomer Murders. And Miss Marple. And I want to go back to the summer cabin and sort of spend the rest of my life there because... you sort of got more out of life there, you know? Even if you just spent just an entire day glancing out over the ocean (I completely did that one day, also glancing at the newest issue of Elle) and still feel like you're not wasting one single moment of your life.

Here, at home, it feels like I'm... I don't know. Hidden away in some box. I'm not exactly spoiling my life (I don't think and I don't really want to think about it because well... it would be depressive to even suggest it) but I'm not exactly doing much else with it.

I think it's gonna change when I start school though. Then I'll start with my routines again. I'll see familiar faces and suddenly I can't afford not being creative because I'll have essays, classes and just general stuff. I think school will be good although I feel a bit terrified walking in there again. Feels like I've been away for ages, but that's not the truth. I just sort of feel like... there's more. Like I've grown out of it, I suppose.

With school comes people, and people mean that there are going to be "I want to have a lot of friends" angst and "I want to be like everyone else but I don't want to be on the same time" angst and I just... I wanna go there for an education, you know? Education is important, it's something I aspire to be good at, something I actually like doing. I would absolutely adore it, if it wasn't so that everything was so... tainted, you know?

People have to look a certain way, have to have sex before eighteen (a norm which I really can't understand because... I feel that sex should in a way be more than just... sex. Not perhaps a grand way of showing love but it should just be... more), you judge people, people show you these fake sides of themselves and some are bluntly ignored. Life should be more, life should be this fantastic experience. I think today's society has sort of lost perspective. Why don't we show affection more? Why do we keep ourselves from being happy? Why do we care about other people's opinions about our own happiness? Why do we let people's opinions affect us so? Why do we seem to suffer (or at least some) from chronic dissatisfaction?

It's these kinds of thoughts that are swimming through my head and makes it almost impossible for me to comment. I just made one comment. One little comment that I think turned out to be completely well... stupid and not at all as I wanted it. But I wanted to tell this person that I was happy for them 'cause that was the initial thought I was having, but I somehow didn't really manage to get it down on paper.

Man, have this week of almost non-stop contemplation and thinking and dreaming etc. made my brain totally confusing? It's not confusing to me because I have a very strong image in my head what I want to say, how I want to say it and what effect I want to make, but it doesn't really go all the way. Somewhere along the line, it doesn't turn out the way I want to and I wish I could record my feelings, put them out here and people would understand. People would get what I'm trying to say, especially since I think a big part of it is really important.

Alas the technology has not come that far yet and I doubt it ever will.

Gold medals to whoever manages to read this. It turned out to be rather long.